The Pupils
The Teachers
Thought I would share some crap with y'all seein as I have no other friends boo hoo! If you have any to add ye know where I am.
Importance of Walking
I LIKE THIS ONE ESPECIALLY THE FIRST SENTENCE
-----Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a
nursing home at £5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 Quid.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.
..............And last but not least,
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it
to them!
_______________________________________________________________________
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd
think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message – “...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key...”
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.”
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are
too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream for that.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That's
like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a
look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What!? Because he's cross-eyed!? ''No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. “Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside.” “How's that?” “Don't you start.”
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you
give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.”
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? I
think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The
other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.”
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several
places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night
_________________________________________________________________________
FAMOUS PAINTINGS STOLEN:
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and
made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of
gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied,
"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh"
_____________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
RULE BRITANNIA
Be very proud to be British Because...
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a
skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION........
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.
9 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolates.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out
of the soles of their feet.
8 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalextric cars.
And finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
toilet............................
RULE BRITANNIA?
________________________________________________________________________
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all
three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their
eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my fiance came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and
said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all
night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'